A Horse is a Horse… Unless Of Course, That Horse is From Virginia

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by Chad Nance


By Randy Gillis


Specifically, from the Cowboy Church of Virginia, then that horse is something special. That horse, according to Pastor Raymond Bell, has the power to soothe the savage homo. Yes, of all the therapies, salves, balms, medications, incantations, prayers, ointments, elixirs, wishes, demands, punishments, laws, legislations, commandments, regimens, experimentations, theories, self-delusions, and wishful thinkings for, against, about and in regards to homosexuality, its cause and (more importantly for some) its cure, who would have thought the answer was as simple as stroking a horse. It seems that Pastor Bell’s church also serves as a model for EAP (Equine Assisted Psychotherapy).

“The term Equine Assisted Psychotherapy was coined by Greg Kersten in the early 1990s to describe the exercises he created to work with at-risk and incarcerated youth.”


According to GAY STAR NEWS, Pastor Bell claims, “EAP can help any person who is living the homosexual lifestyle or is involved in it in any way.” I guess that means that those who serve as ambassadors for homosexuality (the entertainment industry and Westboro Baptist Church) would benefit as well. The article quotes Pastor Bell several times and it should be noted that the church’s website has posted a ‘special alert’ denying any contact with GAY STAR NEWS, stating, “Interesting that you would publish an article alleging communication with us when we have never heard of you.”

From the same article: “Homosexuality is actually a type of addiction. It is not curable as a disease because it is choice driven by the person.” I will concede that penis is second only to nicotine in addiction potential (and far easier to get than marijuana) which does make them harder to kick. I mean they’re everywhere. Go to the grocery store, they’re there, go to the gas station, they’re there, go to the gym, to highway rest stops, to family reunions, to Harrison Ford film festivals, they’re there, go to church and, yep, they’re there too. My vagina-addicted (male and female) friends know exactly what I’m talking about.

And yes, I’ll admit, I’ve tried to quit penis many, many times but I usually get unbearably irritable (to the point that my friends practically force penis upon me) and I gain a bunch of weight so I go back to them just to help improve my attitude and shrink my waistline (which does wonders for my self-esteem).

As for what Pastor Bell did or didn’t say, who knows? And in fairness, I did a quick scan of the church’s website and found no direct link between EAP and homosexuality. In fact, a search for the word ‘homosexuality’ on the site produced 0 results. The church’s website does say;

“you want me to what?”

“EAP offers experiential psychotherapy sessions to diagnosed or diagnosable clients. Natural horse and herd behaviors are observed and honored as a model for healthful human behavior. Equine-assisted exercises are designed to elicit metaphors and self-awareness.”

“People and horses form a natural bond that establishes both trust and camaraderie. Through that bond, the person can find the physical and spiritual healing needed. This is accomplished by using herd dynamics (how horses exist with one another) as a model to identify metaphors of life that are applied to meet the client’s need.”

I have no idea what the hell any of that means, but has anyone else seen the YouTube video of the gay horses having addictive gay sex? I know, I know, some people say that isn’t really sex, and it’s either about domination, pecking order, or young horses “practicing” for the real thing. I prefer to look at it as the beginning of something beautiful. I guess we each see what we want to see. But either way, if that is the ‘metaphor’ we should start modeling I would be totally on board with that.

But my fear is that the metaphor being encouraged involves works like ‘herd’ and ‘flock’ and ‘pack.’ Metaphors I avoid as much as possible. I barely qualify for the gaggle of gay geese at this point. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in pulling together, but only when absolutely necessary, like say, an alien invasion. Otherwise, it’s just too much work.

I really think all of this is Carl Hester’s fault. You know him? He is the gay British (and if there’s a better metaphor for gay than British, I would love to hear it) Equestrian that just snatched a gold medal in the 2012 Olympics. I think that irritates the snot out of the cowboys at the Cowboy Church of Virginia. First of all, the word ‘Equestrian’ is gay, the dude is gay, how they present themselves (polished leather) is totally gay and then there’s the prancing. So I guess a backlash should be expected.

Even so, I try to be open to all ideas. I’ve decided to give it a try. I packed my saddlebags and as I headed out the door, I told Patricia that I’m off to Virginia to stroke a horse in order to cure my gay addiction. She didn’t look up from her paper and said, “I’d pet him first.”


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