Randy Gillis- Doomsday Prepping Patricia

By Randy Gillis
I sat Patricia down on one of the bar stools facing into my kitchen. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. I’ve been working up to this little presentation ever since she forced me to watch DOOMSDAY PREPPERS (two grueling episodes!) with her. Well, that was a week ago, and she’s been pushing me to ‘beef up’ my survivability for ‘when the shit hits the fan,’ a mantra chanted no less than 64 times per episode. Unlike Patricia, who came through the birth canal and was announced as a ‘beautiful 7 pound baby prepper,’ this was a new world for me.

She sat silently as I took my place in the kitchen. I cleared my throat. “Well,” I began nervously, “I think you are going to be pleasantly surprised with my progress in just one short week.” I moved to the cabinet and, with a flair not seen since Carol Merrill, opened it for her inspection. I reached inside. “As you can see, Lowe’s Food’s had a buy-one-get-one free sale on blueberry Pop Tarts. I now have an 8 day supply.” I carefully replaced the Pop Tarts and moved stealthily, exaggerating my arm, body and leg positions, to the lower cabinet. “I’ve also enrolled in a movement class in order to be able to pillage my neighbors’ homes for supplies without being seen or heard.”

I see that by now Patricia has registered (by facial expression) her displeasure, so I decided to up my showmanship. I reached down and took out my next example. “I’ve also decided that from this point forward, I will stock one extra 8-pack of travel size Mountain Dews in case I need to bug out quickly, because dehydration is a big concern. I’ve also decided to upgrade to the ‘party size’ bag of Ruffles potato chips. Oh, and I’ve also put a deposit down on two spaces in a mule train headed to Sweden beginning 3 days after the initial event. I met this really cool guy on line who’s organizing everything. I’ll tell you more about him later.”

Patricia started to do that teeth sucking thing she does when she’s getting really, really irritated. I moved to the refrigerator and with an added twirl, opened it. “As you can clearly see, we will eat like kings…..for the first 2 days after we lose electricity, thanks to an extra box of matches and on old grill I picked up at a yard sell. Now, at some point bartering will become essential. And, after doing a thorough, honest evaluation of our combined skills,” I concluded, giving her a sly wink, “I have no doubts that we’ll have plenty to offer. But, in case we have to get rough, I’ve enrolled us in a line-dancing class to help us improve coordination and endurance.”

I stood, silently, waiting for Patricia’s reaction. She drew a slow, deep breath. “Well,” she began, “kudos to you for having the balls to mock me to my face.” I threw my hand up, cutting her off. “No, my love, never you,” I assured her.

“Because here’s the real deal,” I explained in all seriousness. “I am completely prepared of any Armageddon that comes along and the best part is that it doesn’t matter what kind of Armageddon shows up first. Polar shift, economic collapse, climate change, pandemic, super-volcano, solar flares, asteroid, or another Adam Sandler green-lighted project, I can face them all with virtually no modification to my plan. You see, I will not bear witness as rape, murder, and savagery of all kinds run rampant, freed from the burden of propriety and shielded by the guise of survival.”

“I will not bear witness as the world fractures into thousands of different clans, each led by the basest of motivations, and governed by questionable intelligence for the sole purpose of squeezing out one more day of existence, by doing horrible, horrible things, which ultimately means that post-apocalypse life will actually be no worse than pre-apocalypse life, as there is no reason to believe that we will come back as anything better or wiser than what we already are.”

“I will control how far my devolution will tumble, and it won’t be very far I can assure you. Because once Netflix goes dark, there’s really nothing left to live for anyway. And when I initiate my final piss on this world, it will be images of you, my dear, and all the people that I’ve loved, intercut with images of a naked Harrison Ford doing deep knee bends, that will comfort me into the darkness.”

“I am also acutely aware that this plan is a luxury for the childless and as such, I will neither treat it lightly nor take it for granted, for it is a luxury that I will make full use of.”

I walked over and helped Patricia to stand up, as she appeared to be somewhat stunned, and walked her to the back door. “Now, you run along and go play with your friends. I’m roasting a turkey breast with stuffing for supper tonight. I feel like doing a little thanksgiving, so don’t be late.”